5 Powerful Insights from Emily Bouchard on Family Wealth Psychology
From my recent podcast interview...
In a recent interview with Emily Bouchard, founder of Blended Families Flourishing and Bouchard Bespoke Consulting, we explored the complex intersection of family dynamics and wealth. With over 20 years of experience working with families navigating financial relationships, Emily offered transformative insights that can help any family—regardless of net worth—improve their communication around money matters.
Here are five key takeaways from our conversation:
1. Financial Infidelity is the Leading Cause of Divorce
When asked about relationship challenges around money, Emily revealed a startling insight: financial infidelity—making significant financial decisions without including your spouse—is a leading cause of divorce. The problem stems from a lack of confidence in having productive money conversations.
"What happens is most people don't feel competent or confident in having those conversations go well, so they don't have them. Or they say what they think will allow for this kind of sense of harmony," Emily explained. "People will make financial decisions that are significant without including their spouse."
These decisions range from hidden shopping sprees to secret investments or debt. While avoiding difficult conversations may seem like the path of least resistance in the short term, it ultimately destroys trust.
Lesson: Develop regular, open conversations about money with your partner. Create a safe space where both parties can honestly express their financial goals and concerns without judgment.
2. Prenups Can Strengthen Marriages
Emily challenges the common view of prenuptial agreements as unromantic or planning for divorce. Instead, she sees them as opportunities to deepen relationship foundations.
"Your marriage is the most important contract you're entering into. And knowing what the exit options are is extremely important because it's going to end by death, by disability, by divorce, by disinterest," Emily noted. "Having these conversations and these what-ifs when you are totally in love and wanting to be together for the rest of your lives is one of the healthiest things you can do."
Rather than letting lawmakers who have never met you determine the outcome of your marriage's eventual end, a thoughtfully crafted prenup allows couples to express their values and intentions while they're most aligned.
Lesson: View prenuptial conversations as a chance to strengthen your relationship by practicing difficult financial discussions and aligning on shared values before marriage.
3. Fair Doesn't Always Mean Equal in Family Wealth Distribution
When it comes to inheritance and estate planning, especially in blended families, Emily emphasizes the crucial distinction between "fair" and "equal."
"I'm all about managing expectations and taking care not to make promises or not to talk about things being equal when they're not," Emily advised. "It's really about like, what is the lay of the land here? And where do I have the ability to equalize things out? Where do I not?"
In one powerful example, Emily described working with a blended family where the parents initially couldn't agree on how to distribute their estate between their four children from different marriages. Through facilitated conversation, they not only found a creative solution but also openly discussed their reasoning with their adult children, which unexpectedly opened doors to lifetime giving opportunities they hadn't previously considered.
Lesson: Consider your unique family circumstances when planning inheritance. Communication about your reasoning can prevent misunderstandings and litigation while potentially revealing new opportunities for meaningful financial exchanges.
4. Start Money Education Early and Maintain Transparency About Family Wealth
Emily advocates beginning financial education with children as young as age five, focusing first on philanthropy and understanding value. She recommends using the share/save/spend model where children have funds divided into three containers, helping them make concrete decisions about money management.
On the question of when to tell children about family wealth, Emily is unequivocal:
"I'm a big proponent for as soon as they're able to understand it... The more you can have articulate healthy conversations about money and build that understanding and awareness about it, the sooner the better."
She warns against hiding family wealth from children, noting they'll likely discover it from peers or online resources:
"If I went on Zillow right now and looked up their grandparents' house in Vail that you guys go skiing in, or what it looks like to rent a private jet or own one... what would their best friend find out? What would a bully at school find out? Do you want them to have that from that source or do you want to manage the narrative?"
Lesson: Be proactive and age-appropriate in discussing money with children. Help them develop financial literacy early and be transparent about family wealth before they learn about it from outside sources.
5. Money Amplifies Existing Family Dynamics Rather Than Creating New Ones
When asked whether removing money from the equation would solve family problems, Emily offered a profound metaphor:
"Money is like wax on wood. You're going to see all the beauty and you're going to see all the imperfections and it's just going to come out more. So whatever is there is still going to be there. It may not be as amplified."
This perspective helps families understand that money issues are often expressions of deeper relational patterns rather than problems created by wealth itself. Family dynamics that would exist regardless become more visible and consequential when significant assets are involved.
Lesson: Address underlying family communication patterns and relationship dynamics rather than focusing exclusively on the financial aspects of conflicts. Money magnifies what's already present in family systems.
The True Definition of Success
Perhaps Emily's most profound insight came in her definition of success, which extends far beyond financial wealth:
"My definition of success is somebody who's extremely well-rounded in all five of the capitals and is cultivating the kinds of relationships that make life worth living."
Drawing on Jay Hughes' framework, she explained these capitals as:
Human capital: Who you are in relationship to life circumstances
Intellectual capital: Ongoing lifelong learning
Social capital: Your network of support and impact
Spiritual capital: Connection to something larger than yourself
Financial capital: Material resources
For Emily, financial capital receives disproportionate focus when the other four capitals are equally essential for a successful life.
These insights remind us that money conversations, while often challenging, provide opportunities to strengthen relationships and clarify values. By approaching these discussions with intention and care, families can transform potential sources of conflict into foundations for deeper connection.
Find the full episode here:
Contact Information
Website: Blended Families Flourishing Website: Bouchard Bespoke Consulting
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